Ker-ri
|-|077i3 g4m3r (|-|i(k
This will take a while to read but well worth it. Trust me -_-
Tips on Being a Successful Overlord
===================================
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
5.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
6.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No."
7.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger:
Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger
a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly,
the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
8.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
9.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
10.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
11.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
12.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
13.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
14.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
15.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
16.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
17.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless-my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
18.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
19.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
20.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
21.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
in my old age.
22.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
23.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
24.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
25.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
26.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
27.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
28.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh Powerbooks.
29.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
30.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
31.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
32.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
33.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
34.If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main
control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
35.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them
disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
36.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
37.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
38.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
39.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
40.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
41.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.
42.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
43.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of
us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
44.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate
the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more
along the lines of "Push the button."
45.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
46.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
47.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
48.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.
49.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
go first.
50.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
opening up the cell for a look.
51.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will
ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their
will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other
except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others'
lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
52.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
53.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Tips on Being a Successful Overlord
===================================
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
5.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
6.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No."
7.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger:
Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger
a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly,
the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
8.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
9.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
10.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
11.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
12.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
13.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
14.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
15.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
16.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
17.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless-my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
18.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
19.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
20.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
21.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
in my old age.
22.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
23.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
24.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
25.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
26.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
27.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
28.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh Powerbooks.
29.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
30.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
31.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
32.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
33.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
34.If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main
control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
35.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them
disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
36.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
37.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
38.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
39.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
40.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
41.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.
42.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
43.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of
us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
44.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate
the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more
along the lines of "Push the button."
45.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
46.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
47.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
48.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.
49.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
go first.
50.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
opening up the cell for a look.
51.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will
ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their
will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other
except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others'
lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
52.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
53.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
