Okay time for some Monty Python

Nivekella

New member
The Lumberjack Song

BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.


MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!
[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.



And have to include my all time favorite sketch.

Dead Parrot

A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: {pause} I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: {pause} I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.

(The customer leaves.)

(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)

Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?

Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

(Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)

Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?

Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.

Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

Attendant: No, this is Bolton.

Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.

Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.

Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!

Owner: ...It was a pun.

Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?

Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

Owner: Yeah, that's it!

Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

Owner: Well, what do you want?

Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)

Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it) Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side! etc. etc. etc.

****************** Alternative Ending: ********************

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

((MR. PRALINE - John Cleese SHOP OWNER - Michael Palin))
 
See, there you go... doing something cool when I least expect it.

Anyway, follow this link for your reading pleasure:

Skit Scripts

And stop doing unexpected stuff, it gives me a headache.
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Eawet @ Dec 10 2005, 11:13 AM) [snapback]8748[/snapback][/center]
See, there you go... doing something cool when I least expect it.

Anyway, follow this link for your reading pleasure:

Skit Scripts

And stop doing unexpected stuff, it gives me a headache.
[/b]

Teehee....you know what though, I have the best headache medicine EVER :p
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Nivekella @ Dec 11 2005, 10:11 AM) [snapback]8898[/snapback][/center]
Teehee....you know what though, I have the best headache medicine EVER :p
[/b]


Why am I afraid to ask?

Did you follow that link I posted? You'll get a kick out of it.
 
Nivs been hanging around us Sillywalkers too long

He's not the messiah he's a very naughty boy

We are the nights who say NI

We here at the Ministry of Silly Walks

Only the messsiah would say he is not the messiah therefore you must be the messiah

What oh alright i am the messiah

He is the Messiah!!!!!!!

Now F*CK OFF!!!

How shall we F*CK OFF oh Lord?

I better not do any more i could be here all night
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Daves'a Sillywalker @ Dec 10 2005, 09:53 PM) [snapback]8983[/snapback][/center]
I better not do any more i could be here all night
[/b]


BAH stop that!
There is never enough time for Monty Python :D
I have been on a Monty Python addict since my high schools day as a drama geek.
I blame the Sillywalkers for stirring the fire :p
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Nivekella @ Dec 11 2005, 01:04 PM) [snapback]8984[/snapback][/center]
BAH stop that!
There is never enough time for Monty Python :D
I have been on a Monty Python addict since my high schools day as a drama geek.
I blame the Sillywalkers for stirring the fire :p
[/b]

Next thing you are gonna tell me is that you were in the band :blink:
 
We dont stir the fire niv

WE poor petrol on it then have crates of Dynamite and grenades and more petrol and throw that on it too

When we get scally and Banana on here this thread may get interesting
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Eawet @ Dec 10 2005, 10:06 PM) [snapback]8985[/snapback][/center]
Next thing you are gonna tell me is that you were in the band :blink:
[/b]


OMG lol
No I have never been in a band. Dated guys in bands, but anywho.....
I was the head banging heavy metal girl growing up in the 80's.....
Now if that doesn't frighten you I don't know what else I can do.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Daves'a Sillywalker @ Dec 10 2005, 10:07 PM) [snapback]8986[/snapback][/center]
We dont stir the fire niv

WE poor petrol on it then have crates of Dynamite and grenades and more petrol and throw that on it too

When we get scally and Banana on here this thread may get interesting
[/b]

:lol:

Countdown for Scally's arrival.........
Bah Banana showing up. I think I will need to blow up his mailbox in order to get that slacker on here!!
 
Banana will go anywhere to show he knows Python

I was gonna put more lines in but im reluctant to mention coconuts and Unladen Swallows cause they might be taken out of context :D
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Daves'a Sillywalker @ Dec 10 2005, 10:15 PM) [snapback]8990[/snapback][/center]
Banana will go anywhere to show he knows Python

I was gonna put more lines in but im reluctant to mention coconuts and Unladen Swallows cause they might be taken out of context :D
[/b]



DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Daves'a Sillywalker @ Dec 10 2005, 10:24 PM) [snapback]8996[/snapback][/center]
Nah El-D is very excitable so i wont do it

He might post more pics of him and Gomi and 1 was enough
[/b]


Damn you :angry:

No El-D only gets excitable when I spam his PM with tons of pictures of my BOOBIES :lol:

come on Dave you wanna...
DO IT
DO IT
DO IT
DO IT
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Nivekella @ Dec 11 2005, 01:13 PM) [snapback]8988[/snapback][/center]
I was the head banging heavy metal girl growing up in the 80's.....
[/b]

Well well, we need your big hair picture then. You know you had big hair.

Oh yeah, where are those PM boobies you promised me???
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Eawet @ Dec 10 2005, 11:53 PM) [snapback]9022[/snapback][/center]
Well well, we need your big hair picture then. You know you had big hair.

Oh yeah, where are those PM boobies you promised me???
[/b]


Actually never had big hair!!
So hated that lol

Gosh so many BOOBIES and such little time
 
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Nivekella @ Dec 11 2005, 03:13 AM) [snapback]8988[/snapback][/center]
OMG lol
No I have never been in a band. Dated guys in bands, but anywho.....
I was the head banging heavy metal girl growing up in the 80's.....
Now if that doesn't frighten you I don't know what else I can do.

:lol:

Countdown for Scally's arrival.........
Bah Banana showing up. I think I will need to blow up his mailbox in order to get that slacker on here!!
[/b]
here iam woot!
and here is some spam


Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets. Whenever the word "spam" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A man and his wife enter. The man is played by Eric Idle, the wife is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the waitress is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!



<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Nivekella @ Dec 11 2005, 03:32 AM) [snapback]8997[/snapback][/center]
Damn you :angry:

No El-D only gets excitable when I spam his PM with tons of pictures of my BOOBIES :lol:

come on Dave you wanna...
DO IT
DO IT
DO IT
DO IT
[/b]
whys my pm enpty?????????????????????
i love boobies too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
// :eek: :rolleyes: \\
 
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